Author : Swati Amar


Panchapakesan, aka Panchu’s life was flowing along like a serene ocean. Poor Panchu! ( In Tamil, panchu means cotton. Panchu is indeed a man with a heart as soft as cotton!) Today, it appears as though giant Tsunami waves have wreaked havoc on his life! He is on the verge of losing the little deference his family has for him. And Panchu blames Chennai Corporation for his deplorable plight. If the Corporation personnel did not dodge their responsibilities, the lives of humble people like Panchapakesan will not be dangling under the Damocles Sword!

Listen to what Panchu has to say about the sorry state of affairs his life’s sojourn has taken! Mind you, the frequent use of “Sir,” is just a Chennaite’s way of addressing strangers, not to be confused with the literary meaning! It is usually pronounced as Saar.

“ Sir! My stomach churns as I cast a glance at my neighbour’s house! My neighbour Ramabadran’s singular motto in life seems to be to flaunt his prowess early in the morning. Tell me Sir, how would you react if your neighbour looks at you as he would a diminutive mosquito, especially in your wife’s presence? Does a humble man like me deserve such neighbours?

I get up briskly at 5 am, carry my tumbler of steaming hot coffee to the balcony and spend my time productively, reading ‘the Hindu.’ I feel this is the most important chore any man worth his salt should do!

Ramabadran resides bang opposite our house. On seeing me in the verandah, he perks up like a puppy. He folds up his spotless white veshti around his ample waist and performs a fine catwalk in his courtyard, which will put the Aiswarya Rais and Sushmita Sens to shame!

When my wife comes out to wash the front yard of our house, Ramabadran gets ready for ‘the act’! Sir! Wait! Don’t come to a hasty conclusion. About Ramabadran I have no knowledge, but my wife Somasundari, known as Somu is a virtuous woman. She may resemble a road-roller with a loud speaker attached to it and is quite short tempered, but she has never behaved in a scandalous fashion!

On seeing Somu, Ramabadran, lifts ‘it’ up in the air as though ‘it’ is a priceless treasure. He lets out a raspy cough in an attempt to disengage me from ‘the Hindu’ and marches noisily like King Raja Raja Chola, his chest puffed out and head held high up in the air.

Somu starts bemoaning as she witnesses this scene, “It’s been a lucky day for Ramabadran again. I just can’t believe my eyes. How much more can a man help his wife and children? Everyday, it’s a success for them. Look at my plight! I am saddled with a man whose constitution reminds one of the unfortunate mortals from Ethiopia. Of what use is this human to me?”

I pretend to read the Hindu with great fervour. Somu continues her tirade from the kitchen as she prepares the percolator for a second round of coffee.

“Has he ever given me anything during the twenty five years of marriage? Ramabadran’s wife Padma is indeed a fortunate woman. She looks like a model from a jewelry shop. Not a day have I asked him for single gram of gold. All I ask of him is to extend a little helping hand. Even that, he is unable to accomplish. !”

“Mom! Looks like our neighbour has been successful today too. That’s really great. No wonder your diatribe is becoming caustic day by day.” My son, Bhaskar, casts a derisive look in my direction. He knows well that if I fail in my endeavours I cannot admonish him for whiling away his time, painting the town red with his youthful adventures.

I believe some benevolent soul told my son that he resembles the latest Hollywood icon. Bhaskar soared to the skies when he heard the compliment and quickly got down to a transformation of his persona. He chose a close-cut crop on the dorsal half of his scalp. With innumerable partings his head looks as though somebody has run a tractor over it! To make matters worse, he looks a specter with an eardrop adorning one of his ears. The wretched fellow was a caricature even without these embellishments and today he resembles my father-in-law! I cannot discuss my son’s grotesque appearance candidly with him, man-to-man, because I have failed to accomplish a little task!

My daughter Mona surfaces from her bedroom with a toothbrush dangling from her mouth. Her name is actually Meenalochani, which means, ‘a woman with ‘ fish’ like eyes’. She detested the name since the day she was able to garble a few words and changed it to Mona after a prolonged warfare with my father! She fondly runs her hand over my bald pate and consoles me, “Better luck next time, dad! I am confident that one day you will be eminently successful too.” She does not seem to be convinced by her own words!

Somu places a tumbler of aromatic coffee on the coffee table with a loud thud. She doesn’t seem to budge. “What’s it?” I query. To my ears my voice appears as though it is emanating from a deep, hollow well. Naturally, a man who has been defeated cannot bellow like a king, can he, now?

“ You make an appearance of going to work every day. But what has been the outcome? Have you been able to purchase a flat yet?”

“ What’s wrong with you? No one in his right senses will burn a house to kill a bed bug. Why should we buy a flat? This house is spacious, well ventilated and is located in the heart of the city. My father has built this house with his sweat and blood. If I decide to sell it, there will be a long queue of prospective buyers,” I whine.

Sir, it’s just a small problem. Yet it seems insurmountable. I am approaching the problem very scientifically. Since my scientific approach did not yield the desired result and my fatigued brain has gone into hibernation, I adopted the religious path to resolve the matter. I promised to break 108 coconuts at the Ganesha temple. I offered panchamrita to his brother Lord Subramaniam. For their mother Parvati, I assured a naivethiyam of milk payasam. The list seems to grow longer, given the pantheon of Gods in Hindu mythology, with no solution in sight!
.
All hell broke loose on a full moon day. I had had a sumptuous dinner of Pongal and Vada. I must confess, Sir, Somu may be well endowed with a huge girth and a baritone that will give Aby Baby a run for his money, but she is a great chef. But for this talent of hers I would have long since disappeared into the dense forests of the Himalayas. After the lavish spread, Somu handed a small dish containing a glistening halwa, which had brown cashew nuts and raisins floating in a rivulet of ghee. After such a sumptuous dinner, can anyone resist a sound sleep? .

“ Listen..” somebody shook me vigorously in the middle of the night. To my consternation, it happened to be my ‘butter’ half.
“Why don’t you permit a hardworking man to enjoy his forty winks? Can’t you cast away your sinister yearnings in the night?

Somu got enraged. “Aiyo ! Men can never think of anything but obscenities ! I can hear a disturbing noise from your wardrobe. I can’t sleep. When I see you snoring blissfully, I am going crazy,” she roared.

That was the day when my life did a somersault. Our house is located in Adyar, a place well known for a high population of rats, which seems to have outwitted the human population in this area. They meander around homes with gay abandon as though they own the houses!

I tried several innovative baits to snare at least one little mouse. But to no avail. I got masala vadas, coconut pieces fried in ghee, crisp samosas, bread, cheese, chunks of pizza… no mouth-watering victual has been spared. Our rodents seem to belong to the ‘five star’ category. But Ramabadran goes to the nearest, sleazy motel, adjacent to a liquor shop, procures a single masala vada for one rupee and captures one fat rat every day in his crude rattrap. I have tried changing the menu and the décor of the rattraps. But not even one little vermin has lost its way into any of our umpteen sophisticated rattraps. Every morning he flashes his rattrap in the direction of my house, walks down our lane and stealthily lets his rat into our garden.

I have read the story of Pied Piper of Hamelin. This fantastic man played his magical flute and evacuated an entire city of rats. I am on the look out for him. Can somebody help me?"